The first few months of a new job can be tricky. There are new skills to learn, co-workers to meet and training seminars to attend. Your brain is busy, frantically trying to remember whether the office manager’s name is Audrey, Aubrey, or Doug (it’s definitely one of the three).
So when Todd from accounting tells you he’s going to “run something up the flagpole,” you don’t have the time or the mental capacity to figure out exactly what he’s saying. Fear not: The Corporate Jargon Decoder is here to demystify the meaning behind the mumble-jumble.
I’m putting this on my to-do list and I will not get to it for another two weeks.
There are faster and more efficient ways to complete this task, but at this company, we do it like this.
I’m only 73% sure what this is, but I’m going to speak about it assertively and in public to make it sound like I know what I’m talking about.
I don’t have any other work to assign you, so it’d be great if you could stretch this project out all afternoon.
Disrupt the Landscape
We’re not like other companies. We’re here to mess some sh*t up and make headlines while we do it!
I’m giving you an annoying assignment, but I’d like you to feel like I’m doing you a favor. You’re welcome.
Happy Hump Day
Life is a meaningless slog towards eternal numbness, but at least there’s only two more days till the weekend.
I’ll Take This Offline
Let’s get coffee and complain.
I’ll Slack You
I have three private channels for when I want to complain, but don’t have time for coffee.
I’ll Chat You
I also have Instagram, Gchat, and Facebook Messenger, and I use them all for work-related complaints, too.
I’ll Loop You in
I’ll copy you on 48 separate emails unrelated to your workload.
I’m Going to Defer to…
Please don’t force me to make another important decision today, it’s after 3 PM.
Please hover behind me at my desk and watch me do my job for six hours.
There are no bad ideas, except for Todd’s.
Let’s Table This
Bad news. Todd was the only one who brought in ideas.
Let’s Circle Back
I’ve had to use the bathroom for the last three hours and I don’t want to talk to you about user experience, OK Todd?
A blood-thirsty generation intent on systematically destroying every institution and tradition this country was founded on. Really enjoys brunch and drinking at home.
Computers are out. Let’s try phones. Maybe that’ll turn this ship around?
Plug and Play
This task is meaningless and monotonous. Might as well plug in your headphones and play a murder podcast.
I posted about this on Facebook.
I posted about this on Facebook and it got 12 likes.
I Facebook stalked our competition and they’re getting more likes than us.
So Let’s Connect on LinkedIn
Please don’t friend me on Facebook.
Today’s My Friday
I know the Gregorian calendar says that it’s Tuesday, but I’m leaving for vacation this afternoon, so adjust your expectations accordingly.
While these are (mostly) jokes, it is important to communicate clearly. If you find that you’ve used these words yourself, remember what it felt like when you were trying to decipher the words of Todd from accounting and, well, stop.
Here are a few articles that might help make that possible:
- 30 Buzzword-y Phrases You Should Cut From Your Vocabulary (Like, Right Now)
- 3 Tips to Avoid All Those Buzzwords That Are Ruining Your LinkedIn Profile
- How to Handle the Office Comedian (and Other Awkward Communicators)
- How to Get Your Colleagues to Communicate More Clearly With You
TopicsAnnoying Co-Workers , Humor , Break Room , Syndication , Buzzwords , Communication , The Muse Editor's Picks
Photo of person staring at computer screen courtesy of Compassionate Eye Foundation/Hiep Vu/Getty Images.
Ilana Gordon is a writer originally from Connecticut. She has lived in Boston, Chicago and Los Angeles and currently resides in a state of continuous panic. She contributes work to sites like The A.V. Club, The Takeout, Atlas Obscura, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, and Reductress. You can visit her website here.More from this Author