How to Lose a Job in 10 Days
Don't worry, this isn't a sequel to How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, where Kate Hudson runs around an office being the world's worst employee (while maybe falling in love).
Instead we assembled a list of some of the most obvious, yet still most committed, infractions that really, really tick bosses off—and can even get you fired. If you don't want the wrong kind of attention from your boss, avoid doing all of these things.
Of course, if you are really looking to get fired, then by all means, follow this 10-day plan. We promise: It will work.
Day 1: Show Up Late for Work (Yet Again)
Rolling into the office late every now and then might get you an eye roll, but if you really want to make your boss notice, do it all the time. Show up late and instead of quickly (and silently) getting to work, make a scene so everyone knows just how late you are.
Day 2: Take a 2-Hour Lunch While Your Team is Busy Working
Is there a big project your whole team is working on? Good. Go take that extra-long lunch break. Meet up with a friend, take a little stroll around the neighborhood, and sit down to eat at a busy restaurant. And put your phone on silent—you don't want any work-related stresses interrupting.
Day 3: Start Some Office Gossip
Come up with an awesome rumor about co-workers who may or may not be dating. (Did you see Jen and Dustin leave work together three days in a row? They must be working after hours, if you catch my drift.) Don't worry if it's true. Go tell everyone, and encourage them to spread the word.
Day 4: Spend All Day Laughing at Cat Videos
A good way to let everyone know that you don't have enough work on your plate is to spend the entire day watching cat videos and sending personal emails to your friends. Take periodic breaks to tell everyone how bored you are and tell them to "hurry up and get your work done, so you can have some fun with me."
Day 5: Complain (Loudly)
From to having to be in the office at 8 AM sharp to next week's client meeting to the annoying sound the refrigerator makes, share your complaints about your job with anyone who'll listen. Ideally, pick one or two gripes, share them over and over, and avoid suggesting solutions at all costs. (That's what your boss gets paid for, right?)
Day 6: Take a Sick Day on Friday (for the Third Time This Month)
Everyone gets sick and needs a day or two off to recover. But if you really want to catch your boss' attention, make sure you keep calling in sick on Fridays (or Mondays!). For bonus points, post photos on Facebook and Twitter of your tequila-fueled three-day weekend.
Day 7: Ask HR How Much You Get Paid for Unused Vacation Days
Set up a meeting with HR and pepper them with questions that only a person who is leaving would need to ask, like how to roll over your 401(k) and the policy for your leftover vacation time. End the meeting with a wink and a snarky, "You know, in case I need to know someday."
Day 8: Skip the Shower and Rock Sweatpants and Sandals
Who wants to work for a superficial company that cares about how you dress, anyway? Head to the office in your favorite loungewear and laugh at how nerdy your co-workers look showing up in suits.
Day 9: Go Above Your Boss' Head
Write a note to the executive team about all the things your department could be doing better, wrapping up with how terrible you think your boss is and how you're really the one who could lead the team to success. (Who cares if you only have two years of professional experience?) Forward your note to your teammates with a friendly, "Looks like I'm going to be in charge here pretty quick!"
Day 10: Curse Out Your Boss
Drop the S-word, the B-word, and the F-bomb in rapid succession to your boss, ideally in front of clients. Because, well, if days 1-9 didn't get you fired, cursing out your manager will 100% do the trick.
Want to make sure you never get fired? We've got great tips for that, too.
Photo courtesy of iStock / Thinkstock
Elliott Bell is The Muse's Director of Marketing. He is a graduate of the French Culinary Institute, but opted for start-ups over 16-hour days as a line cook (for the better hours, of course). Previously, Elliott spent 6 years making Seamless.com into a nationally known brand, and 1 month as a culinary assistant on Iron Chef America. When he isn't Musing, he can be found playing tennis, making chicken stock, or understanding the meaning of rap lyrics on rapgenius.com.More from this Author