Remember last year about this time, they had the Super Bowl? They decided to do it again this year, and itʼs this Sunday.
Donʼt try to hide from it—itʼs coming directly at you like that guy passing out flyers for that band at that place. Maybe your team isnʼt playing, maybe you donʼt have a team, maybe you have Book Club on Sunday. It matters not. Youʼre gonna watch it, youʼre gonna love it, your excitement cup runneth over. Follow me to the end zone and have your touchdown dance prepared—hereʼs all the stuff you need to know.
Because you love football. Or, because you love reality TV. (Deny it amongst the intellectuals, but we both know your DVR is logjammed with all kinds of reality gems, even the mindless ones without any Kardashian descendants.) The drama, the fighting, the sibling rivalries, and the crying—this year’s Super Bowl has all that, except itʼs grown men in suits of armor.
Sibling rivalries? Yes. The head coaches for the opposing teams are brothers: John Harbaugh, big bro, coaches the Ravens, and his little bro Jim the 49ers. (Hereʼs Jim on politics and parenting.)
Crying? The linebacker for the Ravens, #52 Ray Lewis, a man who could rip your arms off and throw them over a mountain with minimal effort, cries before the game, during the game, after the game, when kittens wear tiny hats, and when thereʼs weather. Give that guy a rose already!
Sunday in New Orleans, 6:30 PM ET on CBS
The Talking Points
If youʼre not physically at the Super Bowl in New Orleans, I instantly know two things: 1. You donʼt print money, and 2. Youʼre hosting a house party or attending one. In either case, do your homework on food—delivery of anything on Super Bowl Sunday is futility. Donʼt order it, make it, and challenge everyone to a Wing-Off, a Chili Cook-Off, or anything else people can Instagram.
Next, prepare yourself for gambling. The men involved will have the ritual Super Bowl Squares ready to go, but maybe do a simple web search and try something new this year.
Hereʼs an idea. I recently attended my first baby shower. Aside from the delightful beer and taco refreshments, I do not recommend this for men of any age or maturity level. However, we were forced to play something interesting, called “Baby Shower Bingo,” where you fill out the boxes of an empty bingo card with baby gift descriptions. As the baby presents are opened, eventually someone gets Bingo, he or she is rewarded with a bottle of champagne, and everyone else is secretly angry.
Could that be modified to work as Super Bowl Bingo? Yes, yes, it can. Create your own custom game (I recommend populating squares with words that the referees will use—first down, offsides, timeout, touchdown, dead ball, holding, personal foul, encroachment, field goal, and so on—or Beyonce lyrics) or get the pre-made ones online and just pass them out.
This year’s Super Bowl is fantastically super. You know something is super when it uses the lettering of the Romans—e.g., Super Bowl XLVII—and the word super as an adjective. Enjoy Sunday, and make sure everyone has a safe and sober way home.
Photo courtesy of Keith Allison.
Cody is a freelance writer specializing in wit-based prose. He has a Bachelor of Science from Texas A&M University, but claims no association with anything that can be scientifically proven. He enjoys running in short shorts, sports where height makes for an unfair advantage, comfortable silences, bloodhounds, The History Channel, black pepper, and hairstyles originating from long periods of sleep. He never has and never will get over Goose passing away and he tweets @idiotscientist.More from this Author